I know I'm back because . . .

If you've been anywhere near me for the last half year or so you know that I've been struggling with depression. It started when I got tenure without promotion and it's been a long, hard battle for me to dig myself out of. For a long time, I had neither the energy nor the interest in my own life to blog or do anything else for that matter. One thing I'm proud of is that despite all of my sadness I managed to teach quite well and complain about my students less than ever before.

I'm not going to dwell here, but I'll say that 1) it's been tough, the toughest thing I've ever dealt with, and 2) I learned what it means to have to struggle through something alone because despite the fact that many love me (I'm lucky that way) it really came down to me having to get myself to where I could want to help myself, and 3) for me depression has extra nasty connotative value because my mother acquired (geriatric onset) bipolar disorder at 72 and as I get older I worry. That is worried, since even though I was depressed I experienced nothing like mania, no poles here.

So, I'm starting to come back, and here's a list of ways I know I'm starting to come back:
-- I'm posting on my blog
-- I'm singing again. Yesterday it was MacArthur Park with Walter, who cannot sing (Hey, he says it. I'm not being mean). I don't really know any of the words, and it's possible that MacArthur Park might be the stupidest song ever written, but once a semester I sing it with Walter. Soon we'll read A Nocturnal Upon St. Lucy's Day, another tradition.
-- Beyond singing, I'm singing stupid songs that I make up spontaneously, not in public. Today (yeah this is embarrassing and slightly offensive, but it's part of my "therapy") it was "Take a poop, take a poop, take a . . . " well, you can finish the line yourselves (if anybody ever reads this, that is)
-- I am petting the dog more and calling her Stinkerfuss.
-- Lena said "we should have a solstice reading" and I didn't want to automatically say no.
-- I'm pretty pissed about not getting promotion for what I consider incredibly shitty reasons, but I don't feel humiliated anymore. And I think it's good that I'm mad about it but not obsessively so.
That's it for now. Jerad, if you're still out there, thanks so much for the kindness and encouragement. Sarahbear, I'm coming soon. I miss you too.
Keep the Peace,
Oh and one more super peace out thought that I'll leave you with:
Fuck the New York state Senate for defeating a gay marriage bill yesterday when the majority of New Yorkers (yes, it's a small majority, but a majority nonetheless) support gay marriage. We can spend billions of dollars to go places and shoot people, but we can't acknowledge the civil rights of our own citizens?
MNYAGG